The transcript of the questions asked by the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) officer provides much fodder for laughter once you are over the initial frustration. It is borderline insanity (I like the double pun) when you compare the interviews going to and coming back from USA on a recent business trip.
Going to USA, as a foreign visitor:
US Customs: Where you going?
Soothsayer: San Francisco.
US Customs: What for?
Soothsayer: To attend a business conference.
US Customs: For how long?
Soothsayer: 5 days.
US Customs: *wave of the hand*.... Next?
Coming back "HOME" to Canada, as a Canadian citizen bearing a Canadian passport, with a 'business' trip indicated on my form, declaring $0 in purchases:
CBSA: Where are you coming from?
Soothsayer: San Francisco.
CBSA: Do you have any alcohol or cigarettes on you?
Soothsayer: No. (Read the form I just handed to you. It is already indicated on that.)
CBSA: Did you go anywhere else from San Francisco?
Soothsayer: No. (Funny question? Do you normally ask people if they went somewhere else? Just because I am wearing my Vibrams makes you think I am not coming back STRAIGHT from a business trip? Well, my line of work tolerates that! Also, I am coming back on a 6 hours red-eye flight -- sorry for not looking my sharpest for you at 6am but as a rule of thumb, I don't usually dress up to impress people my taxes pay for. There is a mugshot of me on the passport showing how I look like when I am dressed. Oh, and by the way, I did go for a clothing optional personal retreat south of San Francisco, but that information is Not Your Fucking Business (NYFB). Next question?)
CBSA: Where did you stay when you were in San Francisco?
Soothsayer: The Marriott. (There are 23 Marriott properties in the San Francisco area but a useless idiotic question like that did not deserve further elaboration in the answer. NYFB.)
CBSA: *Leafs through the passport pages, fishing for something else to hang on to... Oh you travel a lot to Mexico?
Soothsayer: *silence*. (I travel a lot, period, dumbass, period. NYFB.)
CBSA: 2 times this year?!
Soothsayer: Three. (NYFB)
CBSA: Oh, 3 times this year?!!
Soothsayer: *silence*. (Actually in the last 12 months, it is 5 times. Also visited Australia 2 times this year. How come your eyes didn't perk up on that? What about my trip to Indonesia and Hawaii? Did that not set off any alarm? I wonder if you will be able to hold your coffee if I tell you I am visiting Mexico again next month? NYFB)
CBSA: What do you do in Mexico? Do you go for business or pleasure?
Soothsayer: Vacation. (NYFB)
CBSA: *continues leafing through the passport, starting to feel the awkwardness of my curt responses and sensing that he is running out of my courtesy*... Errm.. Where do you stay when you go to Mexico?
Soothsayer: *silence*. I counted to 5 on a special, slow count before giving him the most blank, stupid look I could muster at 7am as I slowly responded,
"A resort?". (Seriously? What is your IQ? Who hired you for this job? Where else do you think 99.99% of Canadians traveling to Mexico for a vacation stay? Your aunt's basement? What was the answer you were looking for? I would have told you I stay at my drug baron friend's cabana overlooking the ocean? Why are you re-opening the file on that trip anyways? I already answered and satisfied one of your equally retarded colleagues when coming back from THAT trip! You have asked me 9 questions, only 2 of which are directly relevant to this trip and only 1 of which serves any purpose for the Government of Canada!).
Finally this ordeal ended silently. I think CBSA boy sensed that one of us was going to explode either in comical laughter or in frustration.
Hey CBSA boy, what happened to "Welcome back to Canada", "Welcome back home" or just a simple "Welcome back"? How about showing some courtesy to the business travelers who just went and generated some revenue for Canada, generated their own salary to pay their taxes which in turn pay for your salary to harass them when they come back? Wow, the ridiculous viciousness of this cycle just blew my mind!
Oh and by the way, I stay in a cabana overlooking the ocean in Mexico. And you didn't ask but in case you were interested, when in Indonesia, I stay in a hut in the rice paddies.
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